By: Crystal Byrd
“Your children’s children will live under communism. You Americans are so gullible. No, You won’t accept communism outright; but we’ll keep feeding you small doses of Socialism until you will finally wake up and realize that you already have Communism. We won’t have to fight you. We’ll so weaken your economy, until you fall like overripe fruit into our hands.” -Nikita Khrushchev, 1959
Fascism bubbles up in a multitude of philosophical branches with varying economic impacts. Listen up all you Anarcho-(insert obscure political philosophy reference here). It’s an adaptable and fluid way to keep the masses in line and can fall to the left or right on the political spectrum making it accessible and friendly to political zealots of all strains. So no worries, even if you were thinking there’s no way you could think like a totalitarian, there’s room for everyone to help oppress the people even if it’s just on Facebook.
1. You believe in the “public good”
If you want to get people to do something morally reprehensible any fascist worth their kampf knows that you say it’s for the good of the people. If the children need to learn to question non-conformity and rugged individualism, sell your new curriculum as “necessary to ensure the youth will be globally competitive.” Y’know- it’s for the kids. Can’t find a good way to make laws without all those annoying constitutional checks and balances? Create a government agency that has the power to “regulate” with no real oversight and tell everyone it’s necessary to ensure that future generations have clean air, water, and soil. A great fascist knows that there’s no other way. Only the government can save the environment, but it’s gonna cost ya.
2. You think of yourself as a champion for human rights
The moral high ground gets slippery from time to time. It’s crucial to remember that human rights doesn’t actually apply to ALL humans. What we mean by human rights is, the rights of those we agree with. No responsible fascist can be comfy cozy with the notion of human rights extending so far as unborn children, people living under our comrade fascist governments, or civilians in war torn places. That being said, as long as the discussion is limited to anyone in philosophical agreement with us, we will fight vehemently for their right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
3. You believe that seat belt laws are beneficial to society
Laws mandating the use of seat belts exist solely to make money. It takes an epic amount of money to run a government that takes care of everything, so you gotta make those stacks where you can. Fascists know that turning peaceful citizens into law breakers helps to keep the masses docile. Any good despot knows that if you can get law-abiding citizens palms to sweat whenever an officer pulls behind them on the freeway- that’s a win for the State. You see the government has very little power over citizens who have broken no laws, but the ultimate power over “criminals”. The best way to rule the masses is by turning them all into criminals. This is easily accomplished with a legal code too big to read, and written in language it takes a law degree to understand. The people don’t actually know what the laws are, and don’t know how many they’ve broken, therefore they fear being caught. It is this precious fear that keeps revolution at bay, so pay attention meine wenig Fuhrer’s.
4. The ends might justify the means
In Soviet Russia, you don’t win election. Election wins you. But seriously, baby fascists take a note here. If you must cheat to win an election, make sure that the people know the losing side is full of bigoted xenophobes who eat small children. They must be kept out of power positions at all costs or risk bringing on the apocalypse. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. There is always collateral damage. You can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. Fascists don’t flinch when you have to round up a few folks or silence a few reporters as long as the end result makes you win. Who cares about preserving freedom of religion when people there are gay wedding cakes to be baked? The struggle is real people.
5. You don’t mind demonizing groups that you don’t like
This is so very important- does anyone really like the KKK? I didn’t think so. Let’s just round those asshats up and put them in some sort of camp where we can keep an eye on them. While we’re at it, let’s do something about those pesky Christians who are always trying to drag us back to the Dark Ages. Oh, and let’s not forget the internet bullies. Any fascist worth their iron eagle knows that you have to have a scapegoat. The rebellious furor and discontent created by the lack of liberty must be directed in some direction. For future reference, a great scapegoat group is numerous, generally peaceful, and repugnant in some way. Best to over emphasize the negative while completely forgetting the neutral or positive aspects of said group.
6. You think it’s okay to censor hateful content
This step is just the beginning. We begin by accepting that some things don’t deserve to be heard or said. Some things are just too mean, too vulgar, or too belligerent. It’s very important that the focus is always maintained on the cruelty and negative feelings generated by the hateful content. With time, the people will understand and even ask for censorship. Before you know it, people will begin reporting each other for hate speech. It only makes sense to start with the white people, everyone knows they’re inherently racist and full of hate. Plus, it gives the people of color a wonderful outlet for all that pent up rage. Or a clever fascist might begin with the elderly Republicans, after all, they’re all senile and sooooo 1985.
7. The word profit makes you feel guilty
It’s no secret that the profit motive is the root of all evil, therefore it must be appropriately redirected into the honorable coffers of the federal government. This prevents business owners from rising above their station and prevents them from ever becoming rich enough to influence the workings of an undemocratic government. It also allows the trustworthy few in charge of the government to more equitably distribute that profit to those in need, after taking a percentage to pay for the administrative costs of doing business, of course. Imagine, a more perfect world where companies like Apple and Wal-Mart are run like the DMV. Everyone stands in the same line, fills out the same paperwork, and gets the same card. It’s a perfect paragon of equality.
8. You think that if you ran the world, you would do a good job
All fascists understand that if power could just be given to the right person at the right time, we could solve the worlds problems. All it takes is one good, strong, determined leader to turn things around. People only hate a dictator they don’t agree with, after all. The curse of social progress is political division of power. Sometimes the only way forward is to goose step to a conformist beat.
9. You’re voting Republican or Democrat in the 2016 American presidential election
Let’s be real honest, both candidates do the high hand salute in the privacy of their own compounds. Any self respecting fascist knows that you vote for the party no matter what. If the party says to vote for a liar, you vote for the liar. If the party says you need to vote for the dictator to keep the liar from winning, you vote for the dictator. Everyone knows if the party wants you to vote for Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Camacho, you show up on election day and do the Dew.
10. You think the government cares about the people
This is most certainly gospel truth. Any serious authoritarian knows that nobody loves the people like the government. After all, the government gives the people paper currency, scenic parks, and above all…ROADS. It is the role of government to ensure that all citizens are treated fairly and receive equitable circumstances. At least, as far as the populace is concerned. Proper totalitarians understand that this belief is the foundation of a compliant society. As long as the hoi polloi are wrapped up tight in the state’s loving embrace they won’t question why politicians interchange power positions so easily and frequently between the government and its regulatory agencies.
*This article is satire. For all you keyboard warriors ready to comment dump.