By Your Third Choice
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It has come to our attention that Anthony Scaramucci, recent appointee to the position of Director of Communications, might be neglecting a fatal illness.
Based on the single previously recorded instance of Boneitis, we know the affliction to currently be incurable and terminal. From the encyclopedia of practical, real-world, knowledge, Futurama, our expert researchers have determined that the new representative of our forty-fifth president exhibits all the outward personality traits of Steve Castle, the “go-go eighties Ragonaught” who is the central plot point of the “Future Stock” episode of Futurama.
First John McCain get’s cancer and now this?!
Just like Castle, Scaramucci seems single-mindedly driven to obtain as much power as possible- principle be damned. Merely months before his meeting with- and immediate appointment by- President Trump, Scaramucci was a vocal and believable critic of the future POTUS.
Some of Scaramucci’s most anti-Trump, now deleted, tweets:
Scaramucci batting for Hillary after her loss to Obama
Trump’s new loyal servant being even more of a Democrat than Donnie was in 2012
“Yeah, but that’s another hack politician… He’s a hack politician. He’s probably going to make Elizabeth Warren his vice president with coments like that. It’s Anti-American… You gotta cut it out now, and stop this crazy rhetoric…” – Scaramucci on Fox Bussiness News, at Trump, when his loyalties tied him to Jeb Bush last year
Scaramucci being diametrically opposed to the president on climate change
Twitter user Josh Billinson calling out Scaramucci, Josh is now blocked by Scaramucci
Contrary to his previously dismissive attitude about Trump and proponency of gun control, Scaramucci seems, now, like the president’s most ardent fan-girl. Despite also seeming to be anti-Brexit, anti-Russia, and even writing an op-ed for Fox attacking the future populist president, Scaramucci has since taken his name off all of these stances to show his support for his recently adopted ideology.
Scaramucci praises for Trump at his first press briefing:
“I love the president. I obviously love this county”
“I love the President and I’m obviously very, very loyal to the president and I love the mission that the president has, since the early days of the campaign.”
“I don’t think I’d be standing here if I didn’t have a good relationship with the president. I love the president.”
Besides the discrepancy in his timeline of support, Scaramucci seems to be laying it on just a tad thick. Love is just… an awkward word to use here.
Scaramucci’s “eighties dollar jokey” aesthetic is not suited to the age of millennials. You may change your mind, sir, but the internet always remembers. Scaramucci resembles a mangy stray with its tail between its legs when he tries to cover for his flip flops. At the slightest sign of power he seems to roll over and beg for the forgiveness of his powerful master.
“Pay no attention to the opinions behind the hypocrisy,” the dog whimpers
“He brings it up every 15 seconds, OK? One of the biggest mistakes I made, because I was an inexperienced person in the world of politics . I was supporting another candidate. I should have never said that about him. So Mr. President, if you’re listening, I personally apologize for the 50th time for saying that.” – Anthony Scaramucci
Just like how Castle sold his friends and dependents to “Mom” in his featured episode, Scaramucci has moved on from Clinton support and his previous loyalties in record time. Full political reversal over the course of one election cycle… totally understandable for someone with a condition forcing them to be as sleazy as possible. Sad!
The Mooch (Scaramucci’s affectionate third person pet-name for himself), has obviously made a big show of his support for the president but he isn’t all bark and no bite! Scaramucci apparently has taken up the roll of “leak plugger.” Yesterday his crusade took him to the landline of The New Yorker, where he made an ass of himself on a recorded line.
“I’m going to fire every one of them, and then you haven’t protected anybody, so the entire place will be fired over the next two weeks.” … “They’ll all be fired by me. I fired one guy the other day. I have three to four people I’ll fire tomorrow.” – Anthony Scaramucci to The New Yorker
“Everyone’s fired and we’re out of business.” – Steve Castle (Boneitis Guy)
See the resemblance? Feel the sleaze?
Scaramucci’s charismatic and convincing, but self-serving waffling on issues he professes to champion may be symptomatic of the diseased that will eventually kill Castle when he thaws out in the year 3002, though if it is not, Scaramucci is symptomatic of the cancer eating at Washington and evidence of its malignancy. We here at Liberty Viral are seriously concerned about the state of Anthony Scaramucci’s bones. Obviously his affliction has progressed to the point of blatant power-crazed hypocrisy. It’s only a matter of time.
UPDATE: Since the original publication of this article The Mooch was hit with a downer-double-whammy. Not only has Scaramucci’s wife filed for divorce in reaction to his actions as Director of Communications, but it seems Scaramucci will also be separating from his newest “love,” Donald Trump.
That’s right, my newest White House whipping boy is already gone. In only ten days no less! Fox news is measuring his term of service in seconds.
Goodbye Mooch, we hardly knew ye.
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