Written By Nathaniel Cole
This is a Liberty Onion article. All views expressed are satirical.
Last Tuesday Attorney General Jeff Sessions gave an urgent conference at the white House demanding that the use of Medical and Recreational marijuana be legalized nationally after eating a rice crispy treat.
Sessions says that after coming from his lunch break he saw the rice crispy treat on his desk and a note that said “tread lightly” next to it. Sessions luckily only ate a little bit of it and went about his business. According to sessions after an hour he “felt something fierce” in his stomach and head and that it was the best feeling he had ever felt. Sessions quickly turned to the rice crispy treat. He smelt it and realized what it was. Someone had given him an edible.
He asked his assistant who stopped by to give him the rice crispy treat and the assistant’s response was very shocking. According to his assistant Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders gave him the suspicious snack. Although he wanted to be mad, he could not. He was feeling the effects of one of the greatest plants on earth. He invited both of them to the white house. Once arrived they both explained why they did what they did, so he could realize that everything he knew about marijuana was absolutely wrong. Sessions then said after the meeting with the two senators they smoked two joints together in front of the Washington monument.
Last Tuesday Sessions called for a conference at the white house calling for the national legalization of medical and recreational use of marijuana. Sessions said this at the conference:
“I know I said that good people don’t smoke marijuana. But if smoking ganja is wrong then I don’t want to be right. Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren have shown me the error of my ways. And as I stand here before you all, high as a kite, I need you all to realize the seriousness of decriminalizing God’s drug. After massive research and having my own experience with the plant I am calling for the legalizing of Marijuana and marijuana products. 4:20 bros!”
No one knows exactly what will become of marijuana in the next 3 years but I am sure if Jeff freaking Sessions is in support of it then the rest of the Conservative Republicans will be on board.
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