Written by Alex Furman
Follow Alex on Twitter @elvisandhismom
This is a Liberty Onion article. All views expressed are satirical.
In what appears to be a continuation of Donald Trump’s efforts to become more presidential in the eyes of voters, the Trump campaign released early today a statement declaring the Republican candidate, “no longer believes that Santa Claus is a real person.” The campaign released no other details concerning the recent revelation.
A surprising move nonetheless, many Americans believed it was long overdue. “It’s about time,” expressed one local area man. “Most of us outgrow these beliefs before running for office.”
Clinton surrogates have already pushed back against the statement claiming it is nothing more than a disingenuous ploy to improve his share of the child vote, a voting block that has of yet been firmly held by Clinton. Other opponents of Trump are pointing out that he hasn’t technically come clean himself- his campaign did it for him. Others point out that the Republican nominee is still blaming Clinton for giving him the idea. The former Secretary of State has yet to comment on the addendum.
Whatever the motivation, Trump’s supporters seem to be breathing a sigh of relief. Local dog catcher and fervent Trump supporter Timothy Tebow (no relation) had this to say:
“Honestly, I’m ecstatic [Trump] finally admitted it. I thought for sure I was going to have to vote for a guy that still believes in a conspiracy theory most regular people outgrow by grade school. Whether or not he actually believed this whole time or jut didn’t want to admit he was wrong, it’s a burden off my shoulders for sure and I imagine it’s a burden off his also.”
Third-party Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson could not be reached for comment as his campaign staff has informed us that [Johnson] is currently engaged in an emergency super-triathlon to the North Pole.
“Just to be sure.”
Trump reaffirmed his position at press time, “Santa Claus is Real. Period.”
Head Editor @Taxation Is Theft Guy
Registered Member of the Libertarian Party
Latest posts by Alex Furman (see all)
- A Timeline: The Fiery Collapse of the Career of Milo Yiannopoulos - February 22, 2017
- Obscene Anti-SJW Posters Appear All Over Boulder Campus [PHOTOS & VIDEO] - January 26, 2017
- The Leftist Argument for Abolishing Public School - January 25, 2017