Election Week Horoscopes

Written by Jennifer Giorgi
Follow Jennifer on Twitter @jejoagio

This is a Liberty Onion article.
All views expressed are satirical and for entertainment purposes only.

As Election Day quickly approaches, many emotions which have been building for the past 12-18 months are coming to a very messy head. Is this something we can help to control or are our destinies already written out in the stars?

Check out this week’s horoscopes below to see what may be in store for you.


ARIES. (March 21 – April 19): You may be feeling extra frustrated this week, as if you tried to speak the truth and 300 million people completely ignored you. It’s true, though. You aren’t imagining it.



TAURUS. (April 20 – May 20): You may feel the compulsive need to argue and defend your contentions past Tuesday. The clock is resetting. Rethink your strategy but stay strong in your convictions. People will come around in their own time… if it isn’t too late.



GEMINI. (May 21 – June 21): Big things are in store for you, but not in the way you would like. This is going to be a big week. YUGE. Keep calm and rake in the profits.



CANCER. (June 22 – July 23): It is easy for you to get caught up planning out worst-case scenarios. This may come in handy for once. Now is an excellent time to have a contingency plan.



LEO. (July 24 – Aug. 23): Try to not dwell on what might have been. Living through catastrophe will allow you to appreciate any periods of calm which might follow. Stay focused on day to day tasks and stay in the present.



VIRGO. (Aug. 24 – Sept. 22): Try to avoid letting this week drive you to the brink of insanity. Take some time for self-care and reprioritize what is important to you.



LIBRA. (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Use your charming conversational powers for good and not evil. Although it may feel like it is too late to make a difference, that is not the case. Certain opportunities may have passed but it doesn’t mean all is lost.



SCORPIO. (Oct. 23 – Nov. 22): Forces are at work to have outcomes lean in your favor. Try to resist the urge to drone bomb children out of excitement.



SAGITTARIUS. (Nov. 23 – Dec. 20): Although it may seem as if everything is falling apart around you, things are actually coming together administratively. Stay the course and trust the process.



CAPRICORN. (Dec. 22 – Jan. 20): You may be feeling like a human punching bag lately, however that is about to come to an end as people unify towards a larger cause. Tragedy and chaos has a way of bringing people together.



AQUARIUS. (Jan. 21 – Feb. 19): Stop banging your head against the wall. You did all you could but it wasn’t enough. Better luck next time… if there is a next time.



PISCES. (Feb. 20 – March 20): Don’t even bother showing up to vote. Regardless of who ushers in the apocalypse, and how or where, you probably aren’t going make it.