Defense Minister Pinotti: Despite Hallmarks, ISIS Yet to Claim Responsibility for Italy Quake

By: Alex Furman

This is a Liberty Onion story. 

The country still reeling from this mornings 6.2 Magnitude Earthquake, Italian Defense Minister Roberta Pinotti held a press briefing addressing the likely terrorist attack.

“While we cannot yet confirm, early intelligence does seem to point towards the Islamic State and its affiliates. Every hour it is becoming more and more clear to our department that ISIS has obtained what has previously been considered an impossible superweapon- one that evidently produces deadly, destructive earthquakes. ”

Citing Italy’s proximity to extremist-friendly Turkey and several scenes from the film, “Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery,” Italian officials are beginning to piece together what they believe to be the most likely series of events leading up to today’s tragedy.

“The question we’re asking ourselves is not if the Caliphate has obtained this new weapons technology, but rather how. It seems unlikely that ISIS could have produced this literally earth-shattering technology on their own. We are focusing the majority of our inquiries into whom they may have received it from. Time will only tell how ISIS was able to manufacture an attack of this scale and elegance.”

Shortly after press time, the Minister could be seen obsessing over a mess of Polaroid photos connected by a heap of red yarn whispering feverishly to herself, “It has to be. It just has to be…”