John McCain Missing After Wandering Away From IHOP

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Written By Squiggly Line Guy
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This is a Liberty Onion article.
All views expressed are satirical.

Police in Washington DC are asking for the public’s help in locating missing Senator John McCain after he wandered away from an IHOP restaurant this morning around 9am. His whereabouts are since unknown, and police fear he may be confused or delusional.

Senators and aides realized something was wrong when Senator McCain failed to show up for deliberation on the Senate Health Care Bill. He was expected to introduce an amendment to fund research for reversing the aging process.

IHOP employee Drew Baker was the waiter who served McCain this morning when the incident occurred, stating the Senator seemed very confused.

“He asked me why Matlock wasn’t listed in the TV Guide. I told him he was holding a menu, not a TV Guide. I thought he was going to cry. I asked him if he was ready to order, but he told me to just come back with coffee.”

According to Baker, the encounter only got stranger after he returned with McCain’s coffee.

“He asked me if it was diet coffee. I said, ‘you mean decaf, right?’ I’ve never seen someone look so angry at me in their life. I thought he was about to make a scene and yell. I didn’t know why. Instead he gave me the menu he was holding, and told me to go get him the breakfast menu. It’s IHOP, we only have one menu, but I wasn’t going to argue.”

When he returned with a different copy of the same menu, McCain was gone. Following this last known encounter, police are worried for the welfare of Senator McCain and asking anybody with tips to come forward. Police are urging residents to not directly approach McCain if they see him, as not to potentially upset him. Police state that anyone who might partially resemble Andy Griffith or any of the Waltons could trigger an emotional reaction.

 

This is a Liberty Onion article.
All views expressed are satirical.

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