DEA Saves Millions Of Americans From Dangerous Pot Heads

By: Crystal Byrd

Citizens everywhere are breathing a collective sigh of relief after yesterday’s long-awaited DEA announcement. After making the nation wait for several days with much trepidation we can now all relax, knowing we are once again safe from the evils of marijuana and the people who use it.


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One can only imagine the chaos that might have ensued had the DEA decided to reschedule marijuana to something less addictive than heroin or with less zombie turning capability than bath salts. Pot smokers might have been everywhere. Your neighbors, teachers, or even police officers. There would be literally no way to tell the difference between them and US.


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Luckily, we can all relax in the knowledge that we will be spared the horrors of watching our friends and loved ones become potheads. Imagine the pain of seeing your best friend eat an entire box of Girl Scout Cookies, and then having to look away in shame as they microwave a family size bag of pizza rolls. Now there is no danger of masses of people aimlessly wandering the streets oblivious to their surroundings.




So, today it’s time to raise a glass of your favorite liquor and give a hearty toast to the DEA for keeping the country safe and sound. Lord knows those potheads can’t be trusted to walk at an appropriate speed much less drive. If it weren’t for the federal marijuana prohibition we might be subjected to an endless barrage of unfinished sentences, childish giggling at inappropriate moments, and worst of all- the vociferous boasting about how amazing their sex lives have become. We dodged a bullet there, America. It was close. Too close.

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We very nearly became a nation of people with little interest in fighting, where sick people can be independent of Big Pharma, and an entire industry blossoms into jobs and profits, all while stockpiling a rollicking surplus in tax revenues. I want you all to remember this day, the day we almost let people decide to smoke or not for themselves.


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Now go grab that drink, hell, grab a few it’s a celebration bitches! Grab some friends, get stupid drunk, and act like a complete asshat! After all, alcohol IS legal my friends, so it should be your method of choice when it comes to self medicating the hole in your heart left by that lack of liberty.


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