Scorned Ex Invents Worst Protest Strategy: Cop-Assisted Self-Immolation

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Out of all the stories I’ve heard about idiots dealing with the police, this one pretty much wins.

An Arlington Texas man was going through a divorce and decided to do what most people with daddy issues do- something very irrational. As if still a teenager, this man tried to stop his significant other from leaving.

He decided the most logical way to win his wife back was not to apologize. Not to promise to change or right his wrongs. This man literally came to conclusion to pretend to kill himself by setting himself on fire. Logical.

Before the incident occurred he called his wife and said one of the most stereotypical lines a crazy ex says to their significant other. “If you won’t take me back I’m just going to kill myself”. So once he told her this her reaction to this was to call the police. This is where the story gets… better?

The cop on the scene encounters the man in his living room. (The guy assumed his wife was going to call the police I’m assuming) and the cop was caught off guard by not only the strong smell of gasoline but the scene he saw.

The man was in his living room. He was standing only in tighty whities next to a canteen and a shrine dedicated to his wife. The cop had no idea what to do. In fact he had to leave the scene and laugh his ass off in his patrol car (he lied to the guy and said he left his lights on in his patrol car).

So once the officer came back he tried his best to talk some sense in to this lunatic, he really did. After 20 minutes of trying to make him come to his senses the officer said he was taking him in for his own safety. According to the police officer once he said that the man said “You’re not taking me anywhere pig!” and tried taking out his lighter from the back of his underwear. What happened next was pretty justifiable…

Now you can say what you want about this cop but at least he didn’t pull out his gun before pulling out his taser. Once the man said that the officer knew what had to be done, and tased his crazy ass. Immediately the man gulfed in to flames and the police officer panicked and called for backup. The 1st officer tried putting it out but was unsuccessful at first. Once the other two officers came they were able to end the fire and stomped the man until the fire was out along with putting multiple blankets on him.

An ambulance was called and the man was taken to a hospital. The police informed his wife and she rushed to the hospital. She says that 80% of his body had burns. The three officers went to the hospital for smoke inhalation. We spoke with his wife two days after the incident and she left us with this statement: “This fucker is crazy! But to avoid any more pressure I’m just going to stay with him and just hope he gets mental help. Which is probably not going to happen. Story of my life”.


So remember men, if you don’t want to promise change or apologize all you have to do is set yourself on fire and she will feel pressured in to staying with you. You will get off scot free every time!

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