The Scarcely Told Story of the St. Patrick’s Day March on Washington

Written by Ian Tartt

This is a Liberty Onion article. All views expressed are satirical. 

Fed up with the millions of people without Irish heritage who celebrate St. Patrick’s Day every year, thousands of Irish people planned a March on Washington to protest this despicable act of cultural appropriation. They made signs, gathered speakers, and drummed up some press coverage for the big day. This would be their opportunity to send a message to the world.

Along the way, they sang Irish folk songs to pass the time and keep their spirits up. Passing drivers and pedestrians couldn’t understand them, but most enjoyed the festivities and some even joined in. The marchers had packed plenty of alcohol, which made the journey even more merry and festive.

Trouble struck about an hour and a half away from Washington. The marchers weren’t confronted by police, counter-protesters, or bad weather. Instead, something far worse happened: they ran out of alcohol. Unable to bear the thought of a dry march, they stopped off at O’Sullivan’s Irish Pub in Arlington, Virginia to refuel.

Once they got inside and each had a few drinks and a nice meal, they began having second thoughts about the march. It was so nice in the pub, they had all the food and alcohol they could buy, and they enjoyed sitting back and watching the game with friends both old and new. After all, they could always reschedule the march.

Due to the enjoyment and festivities at the pub, the marchers forgot to let the press know that the protest was cancelled. After a few hours of standing out in the rain, the press figured the marchers weren’t going to show up and called it a day. Some of them ended up stopping by O’Sullivan’s for a drink and saw the marchers. Figuring they’d be better off avoiding a confrontation with tipsy Irish folks, they sat down with the marchers and laughed it off over a round of drinks. There’s no word yet on if they plan to try the march again next year, but if they decide to do so, they’ll make sure to bring more alcohol.