The Scarcely Told Story of the St. Patrick’s Day March on Washington

Written by Ian Tartt This is a Liberty Onion article. All views expressed are satirical.  Fed up with the millions of people without Irish heritage who celebrate St. Patrick’s Day every year, thousands of Irish people planned a March on Washington to protest this despicable act of cultural appropriation. They made signs, gathered speakers, and

DEA Saves Millions Of Americans From Dangerous Pot Heads

By: Crystal Byrd Citizens everywhere are breathing a collective sigh of relief after yesterday’s long-awaited DEA announcement. After making the nation wait for several days with much trepidation we can now all relax, knowing we are once again safe from the evils of marijuana and the people who use it.     One can only

This Drunk Guy Fell Eight Stories Onto A Parked Car And Then… [VIDEO, NSFW]

Only in Russia ladies and gentlemen. A video from Russia shows why everyone thinks that these people are basically built out of wood and reanimated with lightning and the blood of grizzly bears. A drunk man fell off of an eight story building on top of a parked car, then he gets up and asks

Man Arrested Jogging While Intoxicated

SOMERSET COUNTY, PA – James Finan was out for a drunken jog, no doubt trying to burn off the alcohol when he was stopped by police on Route 378. Officers arrested him, claiming he was “unsteady on his feet.” Finan was charged formally with public drunkenness after authorities received reports that drivers were making defensive

Cops To Perform Warrantless Beverage Inspections On Florida Beaches

WFLA News Channel 8 Police in Holmes Beach, Florida are using a new technology that will allow them to test beachgoers drinks for alcohol content. Passive alcohol detectors can be hovered over someone’s drink to determine the content. The possession of alcohol, even in sealed containers is illegal and authorities are now cracking down using

Mom Angry When Bartender Cut Her Off Because She Was Breastfeeding

CHESAPEAKE, VA – Crystal McCullough threw a tantrum after a bartender cut her off due to the fact that she was breastfeeding while drinking. “I was so angry and so hurt and in disbelief,” she said to MyFoxDFW, “I have nothing to hide. I don’t deny that I had alcohol and was breastfeeding, but it’s

Maryland’s Stupid Ban On Grain Alcohol Is Hurting Violinists

The state of Maryland cracked down on the sale of Everclear grain alcohol in their state, and it’s hurting violinists who use the stuff for varnish. Howard Needham, a violin maker from Silver Spring, stated that nothing works better to repair broken violins than Everclear grain alcohol. He’s hoarding the stuff right now since the

This Bar’s ‘Beer Stock Ticker’ Sells Alcohol According To The Laws Of Supply And Demand

Denizens of the bar at the Kalamazoo Beer Exchange are given a lesson in economics when they come to order a pint. A sign above the bar shows the price fluctuations of the beers, and the prices change according to how much of a certain kind of beer is being ordered. Randomly throughout the night,

Hilarious New Beer Ad Imagines “What If The 4th Of July Never Happened?”

A Newcastle Beer advertisement starring British comedian Stephen Merchant takes a look at what America would be like if the 4th of July never happened. Wouldn’t it be great if judges still wore wigs so criminals would really take them seriously? Or you could have your tax money spent on a useless monarch. How about